I haven't updated in quite a while. Every time I think about writing something in here, something else comes up. I go on Facebook mostly, but even that I don't do as much. I've really pared down on my tv watching and computer usage. Trying to get out into the real world a little more than I used to. Been exercising. I have done a couple of 5K's recently and am hoping to do one in San Diego on Thanksgiving (I'll be out there visiting for the week). Also have gotten a trainer at the gym and am trying to go to the gym more often. It's all a work in progress.

A friend of mine wants me to do the Marine Corps Marathon next October. Not sure if that's going to happen, but it gives me something to work towards...

Anyway, I know it all sounds so exciting... I mean, yay running. I actually hate running. I really do. I hate, hate, hate it. But if I want to lose any weight, running is the easiest way for me to do it without starving myself.

So, it's all good...

What a long, long day. I definitely hit a wall right after lunch today - did NOT want to be at work. It's that feeling you get when you know many people had the day off, but you are stuck at work. Kind of funny too how it was Good Friday, and I work at a Catholic Hospital (in a non-essential job) and had to work. We've had picketers out there for the past two days with a big 20 foot blow-up rat... and THEY even had the day off today!

ok... ok - I'm over it. really.

I have definitely had a pretty good week though. I got to see my mom earlier this week, which was nice. Of course, I was forced to eat a lot of food, but ah... it's ok. I was even sent home with leftovers! My mom has been living in PA for the past 9 (?) years and is finally moving back up here. It's kind of funny - when I moved back up here in 98, I remember being so homesick and missing my family and I made my now ex-husband get out of the Marines and move up here with me because I couldn't take it down there in SC any longer. Within a couple of years after moving back up here, we got divorced and some of my closest family moved away! Up until about a year ago, I was very close to moving down there with them - but I didn't. And now, my mom has moved back up here and one of my brothers has also returned. Very strange how that worked out... Glad my mom is here again. I've definitely missed having her around.

So, my mom is living temporarily at a friends house until she can move into her new place. The house she's staying at is only a couple of blocks from where I grew up, so as I drove to see her, I found myself taking a little detour. I checked out the house (that's no longer in my family) and was quite sad. Some of the neighborhood (including the house) looks exactly the same. But, as I turned the corner that the house is on and turned around, I noticed that some things in the neighborhood looked so much different. The brook that me and my brother used to walk in and explore (don't judge me - we walked under the streets in our old green and yellow rubber boots), well they were all overgrown. And there was an old basketball hoop on the street at the neighbor's house across the street that we used to play basketball at - or I used to play basketball at (because I had no friends in the neighborhood). It was all rusty and the wooden board behind it rotting. It looked so forgotten.
I remember all the neighbors names in the neighborhood, but wondered how many of them still live there and how many are even still alive. We were one of the younger families in the neighborhood.

The yard itself is so much different than most of my memories. My family didn't redo the yard until after I was already moved out. When I was growing up, the backyard was fenced in with a pool in the backyard. It was one of those picket fences that you had to climb up to see over. The reasoning? privacy... But all it did to me was raise my fear. I grew up with terrible fear. I'm sure my brothers didn't help things much. I had all kinds of scenarios always going through my head when I was younger... I was the only one in the house with my own room - which most kids probably would have loved, but it scared the crap out of me. I would die alone (those are the things that went through my mind when I was younger). To add to that, I was the only one in the back of the house. The others all were in the front. We lived on a corner, but my room was the furthest from the street, so it would be the room, someone would break into without being seen... And with the picket fence right outside my window, it made it easy for them to climb in...

Wow - I wonder sometimes why I ended up the way I am... These thoughts all went through my mind when I was elementary school aged. And sometime while I was young, the movie Friday the 13th came out - and that just really didn't help things AT ALL! When I looked out the window in my bedroom, there wasa very big shed in the neighbor's backyard. It was one of those sheds that had the little door on the second floor with the pulley outside of it to hoist things up there. Well, after seeing "jason" jump through the window of the cottage at the end of one of the Friday the 13ths, I was scared to DEATH of that shed! It just added to the scenarios... Because now, it wasn't just some robber breaking in my window, it was Jason...

So, yeah... that house was scary to me. Yeah... I'm surprised I wasn't in therapy when I was younger! No wonder I had anxiety issues... I was just telling someone about when my anxiety started - in 2nd grade. It's probably because I was scared to death! (among other things, I guess...)

Anyway, the whole visit left me feeling really sad and nostalgic. It wasn't until later the next night that it occured to me that maybe it's a good thing my family doesn't still own the house. It didn't really feel like "home" anymore. And I wonder how much it ever felt like "home"... there shouldn't be so much anxiety and fear and pain associated with a place you call "home". I mean, it was a nice house, nice yard, we had a pool - it was a good life for a kid growing up (even if that kid's brother told her to hide in the dryer during hide and seek and then turned it on...)

It's also a place where I learned not to trust, but that's a story for another day...


Ok, I feel the need to also say this. I'm grateful for what I did have. I could have grown up in a cardboard box, but I didn't have to. Most of the fears I had growing up were entirely imagined, and I understand that. My life was wonderful from the outside - but my head was a horror show...

I just realized I'm entirely too tired to have written any of this, so I apologize if it makes no sense... (and I'm also realizing that I use (...) quite a damn bit when I'm overly tired. oops.

So, I was talking to my doctor yesterday about the anxiety and panic I've been having lately and something kind of clicked about what has been happening regarding playing music. I don't think the actual "music" has anything to do with it. I think the whole root of my panic attacks is what is cousing me to not play music. It's all about the panic attacks. I'm not worried about playing - I'm not worried about making a mistake. I think this was just something I've told myself because I didn't know why it was all happening. I think it all goes back to 2nd grade - the first time all of this happened. And I think that one day when I was performing a solo or taps, I had that initial triggering feeling and now whenever I am "exposed" and there's no one to hear but me if I do fall into a panic attack and have to stop, I get anxious - I get that shakiness, and you can hear it when I play. So, when I see people playing music in front of a room full of people, I remember the times when I was doing the same thing and felt worried that if something would happen (ie. panic), I would have no where to go and everyone would know, I'd start to get anxiety and it would just spiral out from there...

So, I guess if I can figure out how to get a handle on the whole panic thing... I don't know. I guess I'm starting to feel better about some things.

Ok, so... today was kind of bleh... Work was busy and not fun today. We had a upgrade - sort of - to our computer program and there were problems this morning. And of course I had to take care of the problems - so, instead of doing my "real" work, I was talking to the company and troubleshooting someone else's computer... I'm not even an "I.S." person, so wtf? I didn't even get to eat breakfast, so I was pretty damn bitchy and irritable by lunch time. Thinking maybe I shouldn't have prayed to have compassion, patience and tolerance this morning, eh?

This afternoon, I had an appointment. Lovely waiting in a room for 2 hours in a paper gown. Always love that feeling. What's worse is when they do the 12-lead EKG (or whatever...) I couldn't get those things off me fast enough. And apparently, my cholesterol that went down (only 4 points above normal) wasn't low enough... ? I'm sory, but I went down from 235 to 204. That's not good enough? really? And she's trying to push medication on me? Sorry - no. I told her I would take the samples if she wanted to give them to me, but I wasn't going to take them.

And the dogs... the dogs... If Sampson poops in the house one more time right after I take him outside, I'm going to package him right up and send him to the ex-husband in Iraq. I'm wishing I never said I would watch him. He's a cute dog, but has very, very bad habits! Don't think Stan did a very good job of training him. And he terrorizes the cats! Maya is afraid to even come down off the tower of boxes! (don't ask about the boxes...) And Sabien is almost as big as Sampson and he's terrorized too...

Yeah, so fun day. Thinking maybe I should get a good sleep in tonight. Think I'm done bitching for today...

So, I haven't written in here in quite a while... again. I've been a little addicted to Facebook. Found a lot of people I knew years ago and it's been, well, great. And not so great sometimes. Brings back a lot of feelings I had back then. Self esteem issues and feeling out of place and such... Oh well. I made the decision to go there. I just need to remember sometimes that I'm not that same person I was years ago. Not let all those freaking thoughts creep back in.

Been going through a weird time lately. Trying to find some sort of spirituality I guess... I don't know. I guess I get like this every year. That old winter depression creeps back up and I have to figure out a way to get through it. For years, I did the wrong things. For years, I did anything I could to not feel anything during those months. And it landed me in some pretty questionable places physically and emotionally. Over the past few years, I've gotten a little better at recognizing my feelings and what is triggering them. I still have a hard time getting "through" the feelings instead of just blocking them out, but I'm getting there. This year is the first time that I haven't done anything to block it out. I'm trying to get through it this time. I'm asking for help and trying new things. I'm talking to people and jumping back headfirst into the program that helped me begin to recognize feelings and why I do what I do a few years ago. And I'm starting to see results. A month ago, I wasn't even leaving the house. I was coming home from work and watching tv and not talking to anyone. I made it out to a couple of meetings a week, but that's about it. And I felt like shit. I felt so disconnected and blah that my mind just started going to those places again. Even my anxiety was a full swing.

I don't ever want to get to that place I was a few years ago. I could barely function anymore. There was so much anxiety and fear going through my head and body that I just couldn't even step outside the apartment. I did only when I needed to.

I'm so grateful my life is so different now. I don't ever want to live like that again and hopefully, I'll never have to.

Ok. So.... I guess I have a new neighbor. There hasn't been anyone living next door in months. Now, tonight I decide to go to bed early - on a Friday freaking night - and there is a dog barking on the other side of my wall. For the past 30 MINUTES!!! Are you kidding me?
Loki has been shaking and whining. I think someone is violating his territory. This neighbor person better get home soon so neighbor dog can stop barking. Grrr...

I am sooooo tired today! It's been such a long week and I want to just go home and go to sleep! When will this day be over?

Well, this morning was wonderful... Went out to let the dogs out and didn't realize there was an ice storm overnight. Walked out the door and BLAM! Fell right on my ass! Landed right on my tailbone... ugh. I think even my butt cheek is bruised... owwwwyyyy!!!

What made matters worse is I had an appointment after work with a personal trainer (free of course because I can't afford a personal trainer). Well, she kicked my ass on the weights! Man! I had a free personal trainer visit last month at my own gym and he was such a joke! This one was a good workout. Luckily, there were no situps or anything so I got through with minimal ass pain!

My mom is also up visiting, so after the gym I went over to where she is staying and had dinner. She's coming down with a cold - I'm hoping I can get through this visit with her without catching it! I'm going over again tomorrow night and she is making spagetti sauce. yum!

Anyway, I'm tired now and a little sore. I'm guessing I'll be very sore tomorrow after the workout I had tonight...

What a weird day... I swear there must be something in the air around here - like fumes or something. Yes - people are sniffing fumes or something...

Anyway, went to do laundry this afternoon and while I was waiting for my clothes in the washer, I walked over to Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee... There was this guy standing in line in front of me. He was this guy with dreads and a really beautiful smile. Anyway, I smiled at him and he bought me a coffee. I was like, "no, no... that's ok..." and he made me take it. Something about Tag Your It or something. I don't know... So, I took the coffee.

Ok, so I walk back over to the laundromat and am standing outside and this really seedy, strange, odd guy got out of a car and was introducing himself to me and stuff... weird. He like my sweatshirt I guess. He was trying to guess my age and asking me if I was married and stuff. Very weird, and, well... I don't know. (oh - and he thought I was 22 - HAAAA! yeah... I'm 34.) Anyway, then he was asking me if I wanted to go to dinner with him. (let me remind you that he was skeezy and seedy...) I then told him no thank and that I was seeing someone (big lie there!). He then proceeded to ask me if "he" was around because he thought he would get shot at (don't live in quite the best neighborhood...) I made up a story about him being at home and went to my car, locked the door and went back in the laundromat.

Ugh. yes. fumes. People are sniffing fumes around here...

I guess I'm a couple of days late, but Happy New Year!

Had to work today, but it wasn't very busy at all. I'm so glad it warmed up while I was at work though! It's been brutal here the past few days. I'm kind of glad I didn't go out on New Years eve the way the weather was! I should have taken that time to clean, but instead I played. My dad and aunt had this computer sitting around. They both have gotten laptops since the purchase of the desktop so they decided they didn't really need it anymore. It's much newer than what I had, so they gave it to me. It's a few years old, but it's much newer than mine! I just upgraded my computer to Windows 2000 this year... (it had Windows ME on it - which sucked!) I'm so grateful for this one though! It has Windows XP. Everything runs so much faster! I couldn't even sync my IPOD before. I couldn't believe it. The one time I did sync it, it took about 2 hours. Itunes barely ran.
Well, with this computer, it took like 5 minutes to sync the IPOD! Woohoo! and I had all the songs still in the portable drive, so I didn't lose anything when I formatted it. yay for me!

Anyway, other than hooking up the computer and cleaning the desk, I haven't cleaned. I will have to do that this weekend. I did change the litter and buy cat food (and the cats are thanking me as they ran out last night!) It's still cold in here, but it's manageable.

I do have to check into getting a smaller monitor though. I went from like a 14 inch monitor to this big honkering 18 inch MF. It takes up the whole desk and it's right in front of my face. I had to stick another chair in here, so I could back up and put the keyboard on the chair I had here... it's like a huge mongrol sitting on my desk!

So, today at work, one of the doctors came into the office and was using the fax machine and let a huge fart ring out! I was so disgusted! I wish I hadn't overheard her saying she was lactose intolerant earlier in the day... yuck! 2 minutes after she left, I got a waft of it! OMG! Good time to get up and stretch the ole legs... Oh my... I think she should not have anymore milk products before work - yuck!

I'll leave you with that...

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas to everyone. I didn't get a chance to say it yesterday! Busy, busy, busy day!

I'm down in PA with the family. Everyone is getting older (the younger cousins).

I'm going to see my brother and is family today in Virginia for a while with my mom and then we will turn around and drive back. I'm going to go home tomorrow, so sleeping at my brother's would be a little too muc I think. I get to see my little nephew again. They came up to MA last weedend, but I only got to see him for a little while because he was sleeping most of the time I was over there visiting. He's so adorable!

Well, I should get ready. My mother wants to leave by 9 am and I haven't even showered yet!

Hope everyone that celebrates it had a wonderful Christmas yesterday!

*Made it down to PA in one piece.
*Have wonderful friends who are willing to watch my dogs. People like them hold a special place in my heart.
*Got to see my Mommy tonight!
*got to see my nephews and nieces this weekend (except one)
*snow - lots of snow!
*Christmas
*Time off work.
*Wonderful people I work with (most) and for (all)
*being "present" throughout all this and being able to do my part.
*the freedom to drive to PA for the holiday the every year since my mom moved down here.
*my baby Loki - I didn't think another dog would fill up my heart the way Java did. I am extra grateful for Loki. He helped me do a lot of healing and opening up my heart again after losing Java. I waited a while to get another dog, but I'm glad I finally did.
*the friendship I have with the ex-husband who is coming to spend time with me and our dog Sampson this coming weekend befor he gets deployed (in Feb)
*My car didn't break down on the way here.
*my brother fixed my heat on sunday (after it crapped out on friday at the beginning of the snowstorm. I bought the part and told him where it goes and he contorted himself inside the car (out of the snow and rain) and put the part in for me! Now I have all the settings on the blower - not just high (the only one I had before it crapped out)
* the internet for telling me which part and where to put it!

Well, it seems I can go on and on... I guess a long drive by myself puts me in a reflective mood... (that and its 430 in the morning and I'm deleriously tired...)

disclaimer - the picture is not of me...i actually have no idea where it came from - but it looks like a pose of gratitude...

Just got down here to PA. Long drive! Had to drive to western MASS first to drop off the doggies then went straight down here. After a hellish work day - other girl was out sick - then came in sick - then went home sick... What a waste (and thank you for the spreading of vomit germs! Ick!)
Trip was ok. Rained a lot of the way - mostly frozen rain down here. My car had a 1/4 inch sheet of ice covering the whole thing and my windshield wipers looked like big popsicles! Then, of course, the roads and driveway in this neighborhood are all ice! Really - a whole covering of ice! I almost fell on my bum getting out of my car. Then I couldn't walk up the driveway. I was laughing (by myself of course as noone here was awake at 330 am)
The car did pretty well on the way down considering I drove by a tractor trailer on its side covering two lanes at one point in PA. Lots of rescue crews were standing around trying to figure out what the hell to do with it...
I just kept driving and praying noone would swerve into my lane at any point in time... I didn't want to test out how icy the highways were. They were salting them, but it didn't help me much as I kept passing the salting trucks...

Anyway, I'm just rambling now...

I leave you with a picture of my baby who I'm going to be missing like hell this week!

Ok, so I'm excited it's going to snow here for the first time (well - first real snow). I just don't understand why any New Englander would be freaking out about a foot of snow. They all closed school yesterday for today and the snow isn't even supposed to start until 3 this afternoon! Just because last year some kids were on a school bus until 10 at night because of all the idiots that clogged up the highways by leaving work early instead of letting the plows do their jobs!

Seriously, did all these people move to Rhode Island yesterday? We're just expecting a foot of snow, people!

Come on!

Well, another day at work. I brought cookies in for my coworkers. I didn't give out gifts this year - those were the gift.

I'm very tired. I was planning on making it to the gym, but I think now, I may just go home because I have to go to a thing tonight. I'm exhausted from this week and stuff...

I think I did better eating today... Not as much junk - definitely. My stomach is still not right from all the crap I ate the past two days!

Anyway, going to leave work now...

Already getting aggravated!!! Why don't people do what they're supposed to?

Sometimes I just can't stand people...

So, today is our work "department" Christmas part. Pizza and then all the supervisors bring in desserts. I plan on eating today (even though I know I will feel like totaly crap afterward).

Well... Christmas...

Yeah, we celebrate Christmas here in this Catholic Hospital...

What the hell is wrong with my dog??? He keeps whining and wanting to go outside, but when he gets out there, he doesn't even do anything!
What the hell!

In other news, last batch of cookies for work is cooling! Yay!

This weekend, will make cookies for the family down in PA.

In response to fates_world, I am posting my gratitude list from last night. Haven't done tonight's yet.

Here it is:

Christmas lights
My dogs
The little bit of exercise I did today
Kitchen and Bedroom organized (sort of)
All laundry is done
Mom and Dad
Got Christmas cards (pictures of neices and nephew) from Jamie and Tommy (my brothers)
Santa pictures with the dogs.

I've noticed sometimes when I eat way toooo much, I almost feel high. Not good high, but like my brain is in a fog high...
I need to remember not to eat to the verge of explosion...